cuidado! tengo picas como el nopal!

cuidado! tengo picas!

So I today I had lunch with a woman I know from the legal community. We had to clear some things up and in the process we discussed how difficult it is for some White middle class feminists (who want to work with women of color) to actually deal with us and be friends with some women of color. She finds my form of expressing myself to be too confrontational and we described me as "prickly". We talked about how some White women express themselves as victimized and cry openly and then get their needs met - while some of us have learned to "handle our shit" "aguantalo!" "suck it up" etc... and some - like me may express hurt in a way that seems angry. Well, when I am angry - I tell you to your face and I don't hide it behind passive aggressive White middle class politeness and manipulation.
It turns out that when I am expressing my feelings to some White middle class women they see me as some kind of scary shank wielding chola gone mad. What???!!! This particular woman was actually open to listening and learning and I truly appreciate her honesty because most White women respond by spiraling into complete denial and will deny any racism on their part -to the grave. Anyway, it just bothers me that so many women of color don't get their needs met by White women that are the gatekeepers of so many of our social institutions. White women that work as teachers, social workers, lawyers etc... make judgments about what resources and services we will receive - will we get into the battered women's shelter? will we get medical care? an education? etc... they decide - and if we seem too prickly, angry, proud, defiant, difficult.. well.. chances are they won't be willing to meet your needs.
There was a White woman at school who had a relationship that was becoming violent... she cried on everyone's shoulders and we alll tried to help her. I gave her my ear, my survivor stories, hugs, etc... In the end, she left the guy - still stayed on honor roll and hopped on a plane (her dad has his own pilot) for a fabulous vacation with her wealthy family. So... what happened to the women of color who gave their time and energy to help her out? We didn't all make honor roll, we still had bills and financial problems, legal problems, immigration problems, kids to feed, no insurance, etc...
I realize that my toghness - this mestiza saphire - chacha toughness sometimes doesn't serve me well. I don't always get my needs met and being tough wears me down. I don't weep weakly and publicly on the shoulders of the feminists at school. I won't. I have to get up every day and put one foot in front of the other and be strong for me, my kids, and to avoid giving up and drinking like other women in my family. I don't have that luxury. Besides the fact that I can't ask for support when I need it cuz I have to be chingona y aguantarlo... there is the problem with those that see us as prickly angry unapproachable etc... They characterize us as these dangerous angry brown women and don't attempt to get past that and understand why we have to be strong - what we must bear. White feminists always try to recruit us to support their campaigns, projects, organizations, elections. They need to display their brown female supporters. We give our energy, time, etc... to these projects and in the end we give and give to just lift them up - more accalades and applause for their multicultural organizing skills! and us? what do we get? do they support our runs for office? do they support our projects or fight for our interests? do they work to ensure our equal protection, safety, economic security, our children's health, our success? our survival? do they even know how to try to listen to a sister in pain and offer the support of an embrace? or are we too prickly?